30

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Well I’m here. I made it to the big 3-0. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d live this long. I had this idea in my head that I’d spontaneously combust or end up in a local news report stating a brown guy found a void hole in a mysterious blacksite and got sucked in. I didn’t get here without have a few thoughts about my twenties and this fucking fire tornado of a year.

A big breakthrough I had this year was confronting my anxiety. It took a combination of unchecked overwork and (benign) health issue to spark a change in my head. I knew I needed to change my mental, but I didn’t realize how badly my anxiety had been driving all my thoughts. I’m beginning to understand that my anxiety not only takes the shape of health worries but also it was in the front seat shifting the gears however the fuck it wanted. See, a lot of my anxiety manifested into me getting stuff done and checking off the next task. Which can only serve you for so long… If I knew what was coming next it was ok, but in a year where you certainly can’t plan for anything that stopped working. I had to sit with myself and learn how to be present. I’m starting to gain an understanding of how much my thoughts have led me to where I am for better or for worse.

In my twenties I spent a hyper focused amount of time on my passion, games. It got to a point where I was super burnt out last year and wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do. When you invest so much time in one thing then lose interest in it you tend to dive into a goopy existential pit. I had strapped my ego along for the ride, always trying to achieve the next thing whether that was finishing a project or showing my work at an expo to prove something to myself and my peers. That’s not to say that every situation was just to inflate my big ass head. Sharing my games at the Smithsonian, Game Devs of Color Expo, and PAX South did rekindle the flame. But now I see how wrapped up I was in all of it. I’ll probably write more about this in the future, about what coming up in the 2010’s indie scene was like and the impact of Indie Game: The Movie.

Let’s get to the good stuff…

Where I’m trying to get to now is in a space where I value myself more than just being a person that makes games. I still want to make games, but I want to spend more time with people I care about like my family and friends. I want to get back to making things for the fun of it. Not worrying about how it’s going to look online or what it’ll do for me. I’m also trying my best to just enjoy the moment and not always be searching for the next venture. So today I’ll be honest and I’m still going to do a little work, but also take some time to be with friends and maybe order a nice meal.

Also just want to say thanks to all my friends and family who’ve supported me thus far.

Here’s to my 30s being more chill…